News
Straight-faced reporting on things that did not happen, as they happened.
- White House
Melania Had "I Am Not Slovenian" Speech Ready to Go
According to an anonymous White House leaker, the First Lady had a 'very solid, very believable' statement prepared should the Artemis landing have required a diversion
By Craig Millar · April 13, 2026
- NC Legislature
State Senator Says He Has Read Most of Bill, Plans to Skim Rest Before Vote Thursday
Sen. Farris described his approach as 'thorough, given the circumstances,' and said the table of contents had been 'very informative'
By D. Henderson · April 8, 2026
- News
Ft. Bragg to be Renamed "Camp Unicorn Farts"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to abolish every name on everything that might offend or trigger anyone, the Naming Commission, which definitely doesn't sound like an Orwellian…
By Exploding Weasels · June 6, 2022news - News
Cameron Park Residents Upset with Village District Rebrand
Woke Neighborhood Near NCSU, Raleigh - Residents of the neighborhood currently known as Cameron Park became incensed at the renaming of historic Cameron Village to "Village…
By Exploding Weasels · June 3, 2022news - News
“A Day Without A Woman” Leaves Mayo Unseen Right in the Very Front of the Damn Fridge
RALEIGH – “Where the hell is my sammich?” came the cries from numerous hungry male mouths in farflung corners of North Carolina, as A Day Without a Woman put the brakes on…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Black Families Routinely Separated at Prison; America Watches World Cup
DETROIT, CHICAGO and ELIZABETH CITY – DOJ officials sounded an alarm from these and other locales to Congress Wednesday that apparently, in accordance with federal law, black…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Cary Really Hoping There’s No Evidence Charles Manson Grew Up There
CARY, NC – On the heels of finding out it once helped nurture Kevin Neal – the shooter who killed five people on November 14 in California – the town of Cary is hoping desperately…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Coach Doeren “Super Disappointed” Not to be Playing WVU Right Now
RALEIGH – N.C. State head football coach Dave Doeren announced at a press conference today that he was “really bummed” and “super disappointed” not to be playing #14 West Virginia…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Cooper Trumps the Fake News at Press Conference
RALEIGH – Governor Roy Cooper held a press conference from the steps of the North Carolina Capitol this Friday morning. At times Cooper became combative and unnecessarily…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
In Shocking Election, White Incumbent Defeats African-American Challenger
RALEIGH – In what has been described as the upset of the century, Mayor Nancy McFarlane defeated local black attorney Charles Francis in Tuesday’s mayoral runoff election.
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Meryl Streep Returns to Mount Olympus
By EMILE KLINGER 10 JANUARY 2017
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
N.C. State Begins Search for 2022 Replacement of Kevin Keatts
RALEIGH – Current NCSU interim head basketball coach Kevin Keatts just signed a multi-year lease on an ITB apartment close to his new job at State but also near I-40 “…for quick…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
NoFo, Rialto, Lilly’s Pizza, Underwood Elementary to be Razed
RALEIGH – Mayor Nancy McFarlane announced at a press conference that the City planned on approving a rezoning request from Hayes Barton Baptist Church to demolish six houses.
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
PROTEST UPDATE: Houses Go Dirty; Suppers Unserved in Oakwood, PRCP, Mordecai
RALEIGH – Thousands of angry, oddly shaped, usually bespectacled women took to the streets of Raleigh over the last few days to protest the peaceful transition of power by way of…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Protestors topple statue of local sex offender
CHARLOTTE – Protesters here have toppled a statue of local sex and racial sensitivities offender Panthers Owner Jerry Richardson during a #MeToo rally against sexual harassment.
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Raleigh City Council Approves “The Big Ditch” Concept
RALEIGH – Mayor Nancy McFarlane joined a majority of the City Council here in approving a multi-year, $200B project that will create “The Big Ditch,” a meandering…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Republican Attorney Chris Anglin Excited to Run as Black Female for N.C. Supreme Court
RALEIGH – Local Republican attorney and N.C. Supreme Court candidate Chris Anglin may have an advantage unavailable to his primary opponent, fellow Republican and Associate…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
UNC-CH Students Resort to Bottled Water Tainted with Malt and Corn
CHAPEL HILL — Friday night, officials with the Orange Water and Sewer Authority (OWASA) said water will not be safe for Chapel Hill students until at least Saturday afternoon due…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Ungrammared Presents (a little late) the 2017 State Fair Music Lineup!
It’s nearly getting close to almost State Fair time! Actually, it’s already here, but the music editor just came down from a five-day shroom high and the press strike is finally…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
USDOL Projection: 100% Male Unemployment By 2019
WASHINGTON – The Bureau of Labor Statistics issued a grim warning yesterday as Matt Lauer, Garrison Keillor, half of Congress, every male at BuzzFeed, most Hollywood producers and…
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
Who’s Been Putting U-Locks on Bird Scooters in Raleigh?
RALEIGH – Who’s been putting U-locks on Bird Scooters in Raleigh?
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2022news - News
McFarlane to Build ITB Wall; Cary and Brier Creek to Pay
RALEIGH – In a move deemed long overdue by some supporters, Raleigh mayor Nancy McFarlane announced Friday that construction of an ITB wall would begin this summer. With the…
By Exploding Weasels · May 31, 2022news - News
Concerns Over Food Safety Mount as Local Ice Cream Truck Fails Health & Sanitation Inspection
BY Norm D. Guerre 4/11/2016
By Norm D. Guerre · April 11, 2016news - News
Charlotte to Hire Tree Czar, Durham to Hire Bush and Shrub Vizier
Charlotte, NC - The City of Charlotte is will soon be hiring a new tree Czar after long time Czar Don McSween's reign has come to an end. The Charlotte Czar's duties included…
By Norm D. Guerre · February 2, 2016news - News
Rare Tommy Hillbilly Shirt Sold at North Carolina State Fair
By NORM D. GUERRE 10/15/2015
By Norm D. Guerre · October 15, 2015news - News
College Freshman Already Prepping Thesis on Postmodernism
By JAKE CONNIFER 10/5/2015
By Norm D. Guerre · October 5, 2015news - News
Amish Restaurant-Goer Suspicious of Valet Service
By NORM D. GUERRE 8/28/2015 Lancaster, PA – Isaac Beiler, a local Amish boy, played hooky Tuesday afternoon to take his lady friend Miriam on an unchaperoned date to Yoder’s…
By Norm D. Guerre · August 28, 2015news - News
Epic Candidate Fight on Top of a Streetcar?
By NORM D. GUERRE 8/26/2015
By Norm D. Guerre · August 26, 2015news - News
Way Too Many Zaxby's in Charlotte: Business Op Ed
By NORM D. GUERRE 8/13/2015
By Norm D. Guerre · August 13, 2015news - Sports
Carolina Panthers Change Name to Dodgers
By NORM D. GUERRE 8/4/2015 Charlotte – The Carolina Panthers announced today a change in the team name. “The Carolina Panthers will now be called the Charlotte Trolley Dodgers, or…
By Norm D. Guerre · August 5, 2015news - News
Clinton Wants A Female's Face On The Bill
By NORM D. GUERRE 7/8/2015
By Norm D. Guerre · July 8, 2015news - News
Nurse Shark Attacks Increase in NC; Doctor Sharks Take Credit
Nurse sharks have stepped up attacks along the NC coast, only to find all the credit going to the doctor sharks.
By Craig Millar · July 1, 2015
- Sports
UNC-CH Women Ready to Face Germany
By Exploding Weasels · June 30, 2015news - News
Alternate-Universe Wal-Mart, NASCAR To Drop Betsy Ross Flag
By NORM D. GUERRE 6/24/2015 The 50 Colonies – Long a controversial symbol of home rule, sovereignty, and rugged individualism to some but a symbol of treason, tax evasion, and…
By Norm D. Guerre · June 25, 2015news - News
Sen. Hartsell Cleared of Misusing Campaign Funds for Haircut
By NORM D. GUERRE 6/19/2015 Raleigh, NC - After a month-long investigation, the state Board of Elections voted to clear Sen. Fletcher Hartsell (R. Cabarrus County) of misusing…
By Norm D. Guerre · June 19, 2015news - International
Abandoned Saudi City Perfect For Running Out of Sand Storm Into
BY NORM D. GUERRE 6/10/2015 Saudi Arabia - An abandoned city at coordinates 21.205411, 49.30752 has recently been rated number one in the world for being the top abandoned city to…
By Norm D. Guerre · June 11, 2015news - News
Scientists Alarmed by Increasing Randomness of Alma Adams's Hats
By Exploding Weasels · June 2, 2015news - News
Phil Berger Continually Breaks 4th Wall During NCGA Session
Raleigh, NC – North Carolina Senate President Phil Berger reportedly broke the fourth wall as many as seventeen times during a speech last Tuesday. Berger’s speech, on fiscal…
By Norm D. Guerre · May 29, 2015news - News
Harvard Comma Admitted Into Sentence Due To Legacy
Cambridge, MA – An incredibly pretentious and dim-witted comma gained admission to a sentence Thursday evening. The comma’s parents, both of whom were admitted to the sentence…
By Norm D. Guerre · April 21, 2015news - News
NCGA Passes Sweeping Reform, State-wide Custodial Staff And UNC-CH Alumni Upset
BY NORM D. GUERRE RALEIGH – The NC Senate gave final approval Thursday to a 36 – page, comprehensive bill that promises to overhaul custodial regulations for the first time since…
By Norm D. Guerre · March 20, 2015news - News
O’Bamas Celebrate Irish Heritage
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The first family and the second Irish–American president kicked off their St. Patrick’s Day celebration in the White House on Tuesday morning.
By Norm D. Guerre · March 17, 2015news - News
Area Couple Fails Dog Adoption Home Visit
Cary couple Sheldon and McKenzie Lassiter failed their dog adoption home visit Tuesday, after a volunteer from the Carrboro-based Best Friend Pet Adoption thoroughly inspected…
By Norm D. Guerre · February 25, 2015news - News
NC Department of Cultural Resources Launches Awkward "Friends of the Museum With Benefits" Membership Level
By Exploding Weasels · February 16, 2015news - News
Tillis: “Salmonella Will Revitalize Failing Health Care System”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In one of his first legislative addresses on the Hill, North Carolina's junior senator Thom Tillis has tackled the nation's failing health care system…
By Norm D. Guerre · February 4, 2015news - News
Millennial Couple Moving From One Dream Career to Another
RALEIGH – Late Tuesday night, millennial couple Atticus and Caroline Grankowsky boarded up shop on their dream career as microbrewery owners in Raleigh’s trendy Five Points…
By Norm D. Guerre · January 29, 2015news - News
Local Proctologist Retires After Losing Passion for Staring at the Lining of the Human Anus
WILLOW SPRING — Dr. Ruffin Bumgardner announced Wednesday that he would be hanging up his white coat and endoscopic tube for good in January.
By Exploding Weasels · November 13, 2014news - News
The Verse Thing You Will Ever Read (an Ungrammared Halloween)
By Exploding Weasels · October 31, 2014news - National News
Al-Qaeda Goes Big, Makes IPO
NEW YORK – In a bold move that surprised investors and homeland security officials alike, terrorist organization and Middle East entrepreneurs Al-Qaeda made an initial public…
By Exploding Weasels · October 13, 2014news - News
Crack Dealers, Pimps in Oakwood to Remain Unmolested for Time Being
RALEIGH, NC — In a case of keeping their collective commune of eyes on the ball, Oakwood residents continue to obsess over offset doors and modernist architecture, which leaves…
By Exploding Weasels · October 4, 2014news - Education
#twittertalk gots 2 #stop sez prof @MeredithCollege
MT @DAMONALBARN, #SOCMED #EDITOR SEP. 24, #2014
By Exploding Weasels · September 24, 2014news - Education
Olds Takes First in Mock Bowl
RALEIGH, NC — Fred A. Olds Elementary took first place in Wake County Public School System's 34th annual Mock Bowl, held at the McKimmon Center Tuesday.
By Exploding Weasels · September 2, 2014news