FOUR OAKS — A local man expressed significant dissatisfaction this week with his smartphone, which he described as “a piece of crap,” citing an inaccurate step count as the device’s primary failing.
The complaint was directed at a device capable of providing turn-by-turn directions to any location on earth, translating spoken words into forty-seven languages in real time, and identifying any song ever recorded by holding it near a speaker for three seconds.
“It’s just not right,” he continued, speaking about the step count on a device that can monitor his heart rhythm, detect irregular cardiac events, and alert emergency services to his precise GPS coordinates after his inevitable heart attack — accurate to within a few feet, or in optimal conditions, a few inches.
The man said he had attempted to correct the issue by shaking the phone vigorously, a technique he also applies to the television remote. The phone, which can process more calculations per second than the entire computing infrastructure of NASA during the moon landing, did not respond to this method.
He remains particularly frustrated by the health settings menu, which he described as “confusing,” on a device that can stream any film ever made, connect him to a live video call with anyone on the planet, and run an uninterrupted session of World of Warcraft until 3 a.m. while losing no more than seven percent of its microscopic battery, which is also waterproof to a depth sufficient for salt water use.
“It says I only took 2,400 steps yesterday,” the man said. “I took way more than that.” Neighbors disputed that he had ever left his porch, though they noted that he has been known to duct-tape the phone to his dog’s collar whenever his company offers step-based health incentives.
The phone, reached for comment, did not respond, as it is just a phone.