By CRAIG MILLAR OCT. 7, 2014
RALEIGH, NC — In a completely predictable turn of events, the talking lion who shills for discount grocery chain Food Lion in places normally reserved for humans has wreaked complete devastation on a suburban family and a nearby T-ball team at the Salvation Army on Old Wake Forest Road.
“Who the f**k thought it was a good idea to let a lion into a kids’ game to begin with?” asked frustrated mom of three (now two) Beverly Gondora. “We have enough problems with the homeless guys and the pervs with cameras. A lion was just a stupid idea from the get-go.”
The Food Lion lion polishes off the second baseman at Hurley Raynor Field at the Salvation Army.
Meanwhile, the Phillips family on Exeter Circle is no more. After coming home with his wife and daughter only to find a lion in his den giving him advice on his shopping habits, Frank Phillips called 911, which apparently was a mistake. The house is listed at $575,000 as is.
At last sighting, the Food Lion mascot was spotted heading toward Carter-Finley, presumably for a dessert of fat-laden Farmhouse guys.