By NORM D. GUERRE
RALEIGH, NC — According to retail analysts and Himalayan and Alpine mountaineering experts, a local high school must be a hub of the world’s leading mountaineers. Needham B. Broughton High School, analysts and experts have concluded, holds one of the world’s greatest concentrations of outdoorsmen, based on North Face and Mountain Hardware sales at nearby outdoors retailer Great Outdoor Provision Company.
During an interview with Ungrammared, lead salesman and inventoryist Chris Jennings stated, “With as many of these North Face and Columbia jackets as we sell, we originally concluded that a local expedition to Denali or K2 is probably in the offing.” However, Jennings was puzzled at the apparent lack of interest in other gear necessary to complete an assault on Everest. “When we realized there might be an expedition emanating from Broughton, we immediately ordered more climbing rope, crampons, ice axes, and down bags,” Jennings stated. “The weird thing is that none of those items ever moved off our shelves.”
Although it seems that inventory may have built up at Great Outdoor, they have made a few additional sales of other related items. Carabiners capable of holding up to 200 pounds have seen an uptick. “This one shaggy-haired kid that looked like a Beatle came in,” Jennings reported. “I tried to interest him in some climbing rope to go with his carabiner but all he did was slip his keys on it and say ‘thanks brah’ on the way out the door. I’m completely confused.”
Broughton High student Dugan Alexander stated in an interview that his Mountain Hardware jacket was “the tits” and was especially great for “standing on the quarter mile track around the football field when it’s raining or eating lunch on the wall outside the school [when it’s raining].” Alexander’s friend, junior Katie Thompson, added that her North Face jacket had performed well under less-than-perfect conditions when it drizzled on a White Memorial Presbyterian Church youth retreat.
Analysts and mountaineering experts have also reported a bump in local sales of Land Rovers and kayak roof racks. However, they are still puzzled by the apparent lack of interest in kayaks.