Ungrammared Home & Garden™ is Ungrammared’s home improvement and outdoor living vertical. All advice is offered in good faith. Results may vary. Legal expenses are your responsibility.

Your neighbor’s yard is a problem. You have decided to say something. This guide will walk you through the conversation you are about to have, the conversation you will wish you had not had, and the sixteen-year conflict that begins the following Tuesday.

Step 1: Choose the right moment.

Timing is everything. Do not approach your neighbor immediately after returning from a tense commute, immediately before leaving for a tense commute, or on any major holiday, which includes but is not limited to: the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, any day when someone is grilling. Acceptable windows include Tuesday mornings in non-election years.

Step 2: Prepare what you want to say.

Write down your concerns clearly and specifically. Then reconsider them. Cross out anything that sounds accusatory. Cross out anything that sounds passive-aggressive. Cross out anything that sounds too friendly, which can be read as sarcasm. Review what remains. If nothing remains, proceed to Step 5.

Step 3: Approach with a neutral facial expression.

Practice this in a mirror. A neutral expression is not the same as a pleasant one. Pleasant can be read as condescending. Neutral says: I have registered your yard. I have feelings about it. I am choosing not to share all of them.

Step 4: Say something.

Suggested openers: “Hey, quick thing—” or “Hey, so—” or “Hey.” Do not begin with “I’ve been meaning to—” as this establishes a timeline that will be used against you.

State your concern once. Do not repeat it. Do not qualify it. Do not add the phrase “no big deal” unless it is genuinely no big deal, which, if you have followed Steps 1 through 3, it is not.

Step 5: Accept the response you receive.

Your neighbor will say one of three things: (a) “Oh, totally, I’ll take care of that” — which means it will not be taken care of; (b) “I wasn’t aware that was an issue” — which means they were aware; or (c) something that requires you to stand there for eleven additional minutes nodding.

Step 6: Return home.

Walk at a normal pace. Do not look back. The conflict has begun. It will be mostly nonverbal for the first three years.

Next week: Ungrammared Home & Garden™ Presents: The Seven Stages of a Neighborhood Facebook Group, Explained.