By KENT DAVISON
RALEIGH – North Carolina Democratic gubernatorial candidate Josh Stein’s campaign seems to be in utter disarray, flummoxed by what one staffer calls “a brilliant 4D chess move” by Republican opponent Mark Robinson.
“This is an amazing strategy,” said the staffer, who asked not to be named for fear the Robinson campaign would target him next. “They’re like the Mossad. You do not want to mess with these guys.”
The GOP campaign has in recent days stealthily released to news outlets Robinson’s “Nude Africa” porn site discussion board posts from more than a decade ago, in which Robinson called himself a “black NAZI” and wrote about enjoying transgender porn.
“Oh, we’re definitely going to make them sweat this one,” said new campaign manager Jack Burkman on the condition of anonymity, who cleverly had himself convicted of felony fraud to make this race seem even easier for Democrats. “We wanted to make them think Mark [Robinson] wasn’t vetted or even trying. Mission accomplished.”
Deputy campaign manager Stephanie Pigues seemed nervous at Stein HQ in Raleigh. “Yeah, I’m not buying this ‘not even trying to hide my identity online,’ pro-slavery comments, peepbragging, and the whole numerous dating sites thing. It’s definitely a trap,” she said. “We’re going to not even have to debate, just sit back until November and then waltz into the governor’s mansion? Nice try, Republicans.”
“There’s no way it’s this easy,” said Attorney General Josh Stein himself in a sit-down with Ungrammared. “They put a guy known only for a Second Amendment YouTube video with a history of inflammatory and divisive comments up for governor in a must-win battleground state during a presidential cycle where downballot means everything? And don’t check his online history? I mean, Ashley Madison was breached almost a decade ago. Sorry, but no party is this stupid.”
“These Republicans will stop at nothing to win, including making us think we’re not going to have to work at all,” said Vice President Kamala Harris. “That’s why I’ve loaned my entire debate prep team to Josh [Stein] for as long as he needs them. In case he’s foolish enough to debate his ninja of an opponent, that is. Get the popcorn,” she said, laughing.
At press time, rumors were swirling that the Robinson campaign was now working on releasing his trove of old cock-fighting videos to CNN.