By DUSTIN HENDERSON
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to abolish every name on everything that might offend or trigger anyone, the Naming Commission, which definitely doesn’t sound like an Orwellian apparatchik-staffed federal agency, has made a final determination on the rebranding of North Carolina’s iconic Fort Bragg:
Camp Unicorn Farts.
(Despite real articles form actual news sources, Fort Bragg will not be renamed “Fort Liberty,” which would have been incredibly bland and uninspiring.)
Originally named for native North Carolinian General Braxton Bragg, who had previously served in the US Army in the Mexican-American War, Fort Bragg’s name has been deemed offensive due to Bragg’s later (and ultimately less successful) decision to serve in the Confederacy. Fort Bragg is home to the storied 82nd Airborne Division, who have successfully parachuted into every major conflict since the Battle of Bull Run and recently rescued Vice President Kamala Harris when she got lost on her way to the Mexican border.
“This wasn’t an easy decision,” said Naming Commission chairwoman Admiral Michelle Howard. “We considered all sorts of wonderful suggestions: Fort Liberty, Fort #Blessed, Fort NavySux, Fort Inclusion, Fort AllLivesMatter, Fort Social Justice, Fort Trans, Fort TransFats, and Fort Slippery Slope. But at the end of the day, after all the stakeholders had circled back, reached out and touched base, we realized we needed to synergistically get out of our silos and go with a name that truly represented the wishful thinking fallacy that just by renaming something we can make it all better.”
Admiral Howard pulled out several more names from the suggestion box she had left outside her office door for the last few months, smiling occasionally. “Camp Rainbow…you know, we almost went with that,” she said. “But the colorblind community went nuts.”
When asked why the new name included “Camp” instead of “Fort,” Admiral Howard said, “We discussed that. And ‘Fort’ just sounds mean. And warmonger-y. We’re beyond that as a society, I think. ‘Camp’ is nice.”
She flipped through a few more suggestions and then yelled out into the hallway, “What jackass put ‘Fort Reagan’ in the suggestion box? Does someone need another sixteen hours of DEI and antiracism training?”
Admiral Howard mentioned that “Fort Bragg” was also considered, but instead renamed in honor of Union officer Edward S. Bragg, but was rejected because it wouldn’t require millions of dollars of sign changes or cause enough confusion.