By MITCH KESSLER
Woke Neighborhood Near NCSU, Raleigh – Residents of the neighborhood currently known as Cameron Park became incensed at the renaming of historic Cameron Village to “Village District” (“VD”) last week to avoid association with a long-forgotten – until now – plantation owner’s family name.
“How could we have let them – A CORPORATION!!!!! – beat us to removing our stupid racist name? If we don’t one-up A CORPORATION on being racially sensitive we’re a bunch of pathetic LOSERS!!!!!!” short-time resident Aimee Falstrami sent out to the neighborhood listserv. Falstrami went on, “WE, as a COMMUNITY, have let a entirely too wealthy REAL ESTATE CORPORATION one-up us on the virtue score!!!!!!”
Falstrami then suggested renaming the trendy neighborhood after several other founding fathers, early Carolinian settlers, 19th century environmentalists, trees, and 20th century civil rights activists. However, long-time resident Blair Barton was swift to mention that nearly all those suggestions were equally offensive as all had committed racism, sexism, homophobia, treason, perjury, adultery, transphobia, cisnormative bigotry, or had at one time or another in their lives written or uttered something vaguely insensitive to 21st-century ears or had possible links to Donald Trump.
In an interview with Ungrammared, completely insensitive and Cameron Park token conservative Thom Morrison complained about the proximity of “VD” right next door to his neighborhood. “When will this end?” Morrison complained. “First it starts with VD in the shopping center next door. Next thing you know, you’ve got VD spread all over the city. Believe me, I know. I was in ‘Nam.”
As of press time, local activists from the soon-to-be renamed Cameron Park were collecting diversity data. Their conclusion was that very few people who look “diverse” could actually afford a home in their neighborhood.
Not all locals are unhappy, however. “I think it’s great,” said Oberlin Village resident Jeremy “JJ” Jackson, a Black man. “With this name change, I now get treated like everyone else in Charlotte’s.”