The Prince of Darkness gives a press conference at the Dupont Circle Hotel in Washington on Tuesday.
By CRAIG MILLAR 6 JULY 2016
WASHINGTON – Satan held a brief press conference here yesterday to address what he called the “alarming overreach by Hillary Clinton into never-agreed-upon territory in the area of contract law.”
Appearing in full evil regalia and surrounded by numerous lobbyists and attorneys from Goldblatt Martin Pozen LLP, Beelzebub recounted the numerous ways presidential candidate Clinton had stretched and bent the 1972 contract that traded her eternal soul for terrestrial protection by the Prince of Darkness’s army. “When I signed [the contract] with HRC – and you don’t want to know what we think that stands for – I understood it to have bought the normal protections mortals expect from my legions of minions. We help people avoid the normal pitfalls of life on Earth. We make them rich. They don’t get hurt.
“We do not,” said Lucifer, his voice beginning to shake, “normally help them avoid federal prosecution for using a walkie-talkie to exchange state secrets. I shouldn’t have to protect anyone from congressional oversight because of Benghazi – I’ve got business interests there. Further, we should not be expected to kill off any inconvenient jerk in their lives. I also,” he continued after taking a sip of boiling water, “did not appreciate being asked to lug boxes of law firm records across the US. This, frankly, is bullsh–. I am the Evil One. I am not FedEx, not ServPro, and not your mama.”
Satan reserved some anger for having to deal with FBI Director James Comey for the last two years. “This is the freakin’ feds we’re talking about here. These guys are tough to buy off. This is not Congress. He’s a hardass, there’s only so much I can do, and I would appreciate it if Her Royal C— would at least show some appreciation.”