Greetingz! Here is ze adwices I feel compelled to geev az part of ze outreaches from ze Department of ze Heath and ze Human Cervixes – ha ha, zat vas a joke. Eet ees Human Services. Pleez do not azk me to come to ze NC Zenate to explain to ze bunch uv orangutangs vat humor eez.
On Summer Safety:
My mother had zee saying, “It’s hotter zen za Satan frying pierogis.” And zis summer has been one hot pierogi! If you must be in za outdoors, take plenty of fluids. Take many breaks. And do not please leave za little children or za elderly adults in za hot car. Zank you.
On the dangers of obesity:
Zee epidemic of obezity in za nation is one of large-sized proportions zat is za threat to national security. Obezity leads to zee diabeatees, hypertension, diseasez of the coronary, and if coupled with ill-temperament, za seat in zee NC Zenate. Zese fat little piggies must push back from za table and eat za cabbages and eat za apples, and less of za cheekin nuggets.
On Communicable Diseazez:
Vos your handz, people! I enjoy ze Thom Thilliz, but he zhould not geev ze handvosing advices!
On the dangers of teen pregnancy:
Zese days, zee teens are having za sexual intercourse younger and younger. If boys and girls touch za penises and za vageenas zey will have zee unwanted pregnancy and zee painful and deadly venereal dizease. A few seconds of za intercourse (and ladies, I promise, it will be justza few seconds) iz it worth za lifetime of za disease or ze crying babies? Zee policy of za abstinence is zee policy zat is best.
On employee engagement:
For zee employee to realize zee success, zee employee please must dress for zee success. Zis was not zee case at zee DHHS Department vhen I arrived. Zey wore za moo-moo, zey wore za crocs, zey wore za sweats, zey wore za house coat, zey wore za fleep-flops… now vee dress for zee success, and ta-da! Zuczess!
Zat eez eet. I must now get back to ze mailingz of ze bouncy checkz to ze doctorz in zis state. Eef you must contact uz, please allow uz zix months to geet back to you. Zank you!