By KEVIN LOMAX MAY 30, 2015
RALEIGH—Downtown was clogged earlier today, and not just with traffic. “Slide the City” infected DTR and brought with it a load of hair product, chlamydia, Drakar, fecal matter and lots and lots of urine.
Accidental water-based impregnations were one of the many health risks of Slide the City.
Raleigh’s ‘Slide the City’ transformed Glenwood Avenue, between Jones and Tucker Streets, into a giant waterslide with 1,000 ft. of padded vinyl, spanning the length of three football fields. The downhill end of the slide, where abraded skin cells mixed with hair and various bacteria, was also where people collided into one another and rolled through the sludgelike watery soup, the end result of thousands of sweaty people rolling down a wet plastic sheet on an 85-degree day.
“It’s a great way to incorporate other folks’ perspiration, pee and pubic lice into your own body,” said off-duty Raleigh policeman R. Bowen. For everyone, that is, except City Councilmen Bonner Gaylord and John Odom, who had the sense to be the first ones down the slide.
Gahhhhhhh.
“There’s not enough chlorine in the city to kill this sh*t,” said Dempsey Benton, the former City Manager who was brought out of retirement to help contain the infestation.
“It’s a good thing it’s sunny,” continued Benton. “UV rays tend to denature viral DNA, as well as vaporize Axe body spray.”