Hey, y’all! I was so honored when Ungrammared – which I had never heard of, to be honest – asked me to write a piece for them! At first, I thought they wanted something along the lines of my political philosophy or maybe a piece on how nobody’s gonna get squished by a Fair ride this year, but instead they wanted “workplace safety tips.”
Hmm.
Now, I’m not one to turn down work, but this could be a dry subject. So I’ve tried to make it as interesting as my radio show on WSHA ( EVERY FIRST TUESDAY OF THE MONTH AT 12 NOON, Y’ALL!). So without no further a-doo, here are…
Workplace Safety Tips from Secretary of Labor Cherie Berry
Wear Sensible Shoes – Honey, I know those Tory Burch floral print pumps are FIERCE! And y’all, nobody loves a pair of cute, sexy shoes as much as this gal. But ladies, leave ’em at home. Unpractical footwear is the third leading cause of workplace falls.
Don’t Climb or Lean on Stuff – Can’t find a ladder? Think your rolling office chair is secure enough to stand on so you can water that dead-ass fern on the file cabinet? Think again, sugar. Don’t climb on chairs, desks, or bookcases. It’s a worker’s comp claim waiting to happen! And leaning on stuff, even though you think it looks secure? Forget it. And I always say: if you got time to lean, you got time to clean.
No.
Don’t Drink Alcohol at Work – I mean, duh. I know we all miss those freewheelin’ Reagan days when we used to enjoy a 2- to 4-martini lunch. Lord knows nobody misses Reagan more than me, but those days is over now, honey. Alcohol and work simply do not mix! So unless you’re a priest polishing off the communion wine, no boozing it at work, y’all.
Play It Safe on Elevators – Y’all know this is what I’m most passionate about. The first thing you should do every time you get on an elevator is look for my picture. If I’m not in there, you need to get your fanny out of that elevator in a hurry because you will probably die. And I mean to tell you, elevator deaths are one of the worst, y’all! Second, look to see if some of the more affectionate senators is on the elevator. If they is, you’d better get your fanny outta there because when that door closes, you’re gettin’ groped, honey!
Fire People on Fridays – It was just a matter of time before that weird IT guy got the ax, right? Well, keep that pink slip in your pocket until the end of the week, my friends. That gets him out of the building and away from other employees and gives him time to go home, watch his Doctor Who marathon, and forget about why he ain’t got a bae. That way there’s less likelihood he shows up at the office shootin’ people.
Well, that’s it! You follow these tips and don’t go climbin’ around any downtown construction projects, you should be just fine, sugar!