By ROGER THORNHILL JAN. 8, 2015
RALEIGH, NC — The iconic Masonic Temple, visible from Glenwood Avenue near Wade, is back on the market again. After several failed attempts, Triangle real estate analysts believe that the combination of improving economic conditions, low interest rates, and the region’s rapid growth will be a formula for a successful sale in 2015.
For sale; Book of Secrets conveys along with alien landing pad and wheelchair ramp.
Many wonder what ancient secrets are held in this Raleigh landmark, and why it is necessary that it be sold to make way for another beige EIFS and brick clad apartment building. UNGRMRD’s hard-hitting twelve-member investigative team unlocks these mysteries and more.
History
The stone temple was built from material left over from the construction of another ITB temple and home to secret societies called Broughton High School. The Masonic Temple actually began its life as a house. It was home to Mason Josephus Daniels, publisher of the News & Observer, former Secretary of the Navy, Ambassador, and unabashed white supremacist.
For the last 83 years, however, it has served as the focal point for secret Masonic rituals and barbecue chicken plate sales. And what’s with the artillery piece on the front lawn, one might ask? Some folks think it was a gift from the US Navy after WWI, but more than likely, according to Raleigh historian Ruth Little, it was placed there to keep scalawag Republicans, carpetbaggers, and roving vacuum salesmen away from Hayes Barton.
Who are Masons and what do they do?
Freemasonry is a secret society that traces its roots to humanoid reptiles that arrived on earth as ancient aliens in advanced spacecraft that possessed great knowledge.
After disguising themselves as humans, Masons formed the Knights Templar to collect the important treasures of the Judeo-Christian faith and start the international banking industry, which they control to this day. Most of the founding fathers, including George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson were indeed Freemasons.
The absurdly steep staircase is perfect for dragging down bodies of those who knew what Tom Hanks was after.
So how does a secret society that literally designed our money get so cash-strapped they have to sell their own temple?
Carelessness.
Just like normal folks might lose their car keys or wallet, it appears the Masons have lost their vaunted Book of Secrets. Grand Master and 32nd degree Mason Furnifold Jackson Helms confirms that the Book is indeed lost.
“Yup, it’s lost all right,” confirmed Helms. “Pretty much all of our meetings are spent just trying to figure out where the Book of Secrets might be hidden. We’ve tried all the tricks. We’ve tried to retrace our steps over the last 200 years, we’ve tried thinking ‘if I was a Book of Secrets, where would I be?,’ we’ve even called Nicholas Cage and Tom Hanks for help, but no luck. As a result, we just can’t afford the upkeep and property taxes on this place.”
UNGRMRD’s research staff asked Helms about the Ark of the Covenant. “Lost.”
How about the Holy Grail? “Lost.”
Judas’s ten pieces of silver? “I think the Vatican has that.”
King David’s Menorah? Excalibur? The Copper Scroll? “All lost. The only thing we have for sure is a chunk of the White House that we think President Truman sent us,” said Helms.
It probably doesn’t help that women are not allowed to be Freemasons. A 2010 Harvard study showed that women are 4.8 times more likely than men to find lost objects, and 11.6 times more likely than men to nag about it. Interestingly, the same study shows men are almost 9 times more likely than a woman to find a lost object if they are made to believe locating the object will somehow lead to sex.
What’s Next?
The marketing of the property will be left to a real estate agent whose trademark teeth are a familiar sight to Triangle commuters. “Empress of Escrow” Linda Craft will list the temple. The possibility of the Book of Secrets being in the building adds 5-10% to the base value, said Craft.
Grand Master Helms spoke about hiring Craft: “Everyone knows that Linda is a well-known real estate agent and a terrific salesgal – I mean, hell, she could probably sell condoms to nuns. What many people don’t realize is that she is also well connected to the Masons in this state. She was dear friends with Grand Master Simmons Baker and was actually present at the cornerstone ceremony for the state Capitol building in 1833.
“Popular legend says it was Colonel Joel Lane’s whiskey libations that helped seal the deal for the Legislature to buy his land to build Raleigh, but I bet that saucy minx was right there in the middle of it negotiating like a bulldog. Why else would they build a city in the middle of nowhere?” he asked.
“Hindsight’s 20/20, I guess. If Linda hadn’t sold them on the Woods of Wake, the state capital would probably be in Fayetteville. My God, can you imagine?”
Current Masonic Grand Master Furnifold Jackson Helms in his youth.
Through her publicist Craft released the following statement: “The Linda Craft Team stands by to help you find the perfect home for your family or list your current home, whether it’s a modest split-level or a giant temple used for secret rituals. The Masonic Temple presents a unique purchasing opportunity for conspiracy theorists, artillery collectors, eccentric billionaires, or a certain developer that wants to add to his Midtown empire. Plus, if I find that Book of Secrets during an open house, I will rule this backwater with impunity.”