Ask President Barack H. Obama

Dear Barry,

My husband and I have a great division-of-labor system. My husband deals with all the bills, and I manage the household. It works pretty well except when it comes to spending on discretionary items. He insists that we go through everything I might want to buy line-by-line: shoes, underwear, even contact lenses. I feel he’s too controlling, but he insists he’s keeping us within our means. Should we have separate checking accounts to maintain harmony?

Frusties in Seattle

Dear Frusties,

You could maintain separate checking accounts, but to me that would mean you’re just opening up new problems. I tried to sign an omnibus bill a few years ago without checking with FLOTUS first and she knocked me clear into next week. At that point, Joe gave me some advice I’ve never forgotten: “Let her have some skin in the game if you want your skin in her game.” I’m not sure exactly what he meant, but the gist of it was to work as equal halves of one whole. Just because you’re the CIC don’t mean squat if your beastie – excuse me, bestie – is not on your side.

Dear, Barry,

You very very bad man. I, and friends for good of world and glory of the Islam make very very big the caliphate. You annoy, us, with the big blowing up explosions from very very bad drones. Why bother, Mr. al-Obama? You like the big gnat, always to very annoy. The drones just make us in the bad mood. Go away. Let, us, kill the Christians and the Kurds and other the human-pigs. Now you leave. Go.

Totes Taking Over in Qaraqosh

Dear Totes,

May the peace of Allah be upon you.

And fine, do whatever you want.

Dear Barry,

I have friend who promise to let me do what I want after he is the re-elected man. I now do what I want. He keep promise. I like this man. He good to Mother Russ- I mean, to my people. How is it that I thank this the man who let me do what it is I want?

V.P., Moscow

Dear Vlad,

Practical gifts, in my opinion, are the best kind. People like to be thanked, but more than that, they like to learn how to do things. Perhaps you could show this friend how to do something you know how to do that he does not. For instance, you could take him horseback riding (bare-chested, just for kicks?). Or you could take him hunting – goose, duck, quail, buffalo. Or you could teach him how to bowl. Or how to rig an election for a friend. Or how to run a country. I’m sure he would appreciate anything you do for him. Let your imagination run wild!

Dear Barry,

My husband has lost all interest in everything, and I mean everything. Our love life has stalled out, his work is suffering, and his friends are abandoning us left and right (mostly left), and I’m talking old friends we thought would never turn their backs on us. He very nearly literally fiddles while Rome burns, and he’s focusing on his most annoying, solitary hobby: golf. The game takes him out for hours at a time, so it’s almost like he’s avoiding me intentionally. He’s also starting to talk like a teenage girl, saying things like “haters,” “JV,” and “in the house” and other such nonsense. He might be having an affair with some young twerp, but I really doubt it, because he knows what would happen if I ever caught him with any other piece of tail. (There’s a rose garden with a deadly stone wall I could throw him into from a second-floor window, for instance.) Plus, I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s funny when he refers to me as his “beastie.” My dilemma: should I knock him into next week or next month? I’m in my room weighing my options.

Perennially Angry in DC

Dear Perennially Angry,

I’ll be right up.

President Barack H. Obama is the leader of the free world and a syndicated columnist based in Washington, D.C. His advice column appears in ungrammared.com as well as GQ, Playboy, and Better Homes & Gardens.