More Name Changes Coming to Raleigh

By CRAIG MILLAR

RALEIGH – Following on the heels of Daniels Middle School becoming Oberlin Middle School, Cameron Village becoming Village District (“VD”) and now Cameron Park becoming whatever the hell it’s going to be, the renaming craze shows no sign of weakening.

The city of Raleigh itself, named for Sir Walter Raleigh, an irredeemable racist and colonizer and probably misogynist who didn’t accomplish anything of note, is on the chopping block, much like the racist himself. At an emergency meeting Tuesday evening, the City Council heard renaming proposals from a variety of angry and offended constituents. Proposals included “Cary East,” “South Durham,” “Western Wendell,” and, interestingly, “Piedmont Beach,” a nod to climate change and hopefully future property values.

“City of Oaks,” the seemingly obvious choice, was deemed racist, and besides, North Raleigh (a different city) would likely have to be renamed “City of Pines and Scraggly Maples.”

“We’re tabling this one for now,” said Mayor Mary-Ann Baldwin. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some g**damn red yard signs to remove.”

Ungrammared’s DTR Cultural Reporting Desk did extensive research from 5:00 until 5:12, and uncovered plans to re-brand much of the city and county. Proposed renaming of offensive institutions, streets, and churches include:

Industrial Drive: Rapacious Plundering of Mother Earth Drive

Saint Mary’s School: Saint Terry’s School

White Oak Road: Oppressor Oak Road

White Memorial Presbyterian Church: actually deemed to be pretty accurate

Woman’s Club Drive: Birthing Persons’ Club Drive

William Peace University: revert back to Peace College (name just wasn’t catching on)

Wake County: Woke County

Oakwood: Berkeley South

Capital Boulevard: Commune Boulevard

Broughton High School: No. Every movement needs limits.

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