By CRAIG MILLAR
RALEIGH – Following on the heels of Daniels Middle School becoming Oberlin Middle School, Cameron Village becoming Village District (“VD”) and now Cameron Park becoming whatever the hell it’s going to be, the renaming craze shows no sign of weakening.
The city of Raleigh itself, named for Sir Walter Raleigh, an irredeemable racist and colonizer and probably misogynist who didn’t accomplish anything of note, is on the chopping block, much like the racist himself. At an emergency meeting Tuesday evening, the City Council heard renaming proposals from a variety of angry and offended constituents. Proposals included “Cary East,” “South Durham,” “Western Wendell,” and, interestingly, “Piedmont Beach,” a nod to climate change and hopefully future property values.
“We’re tabling this one for now,” said Mayor Mary-Ann Baldwin. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some g**damn red yard signs to remove.”
Ungrammared’s DTR Cultural Reporting Desk did extensive research from 5:00 until 5:12, and uncovered plans to re-brand much of the city and county. Proposed renaming of offensive institutions, streets, and churches include:
Industrial Drive: Rapacious Plundering of Mother Earth Drive
Saint Mary’s School: Saint Terry’s School
White Oak Road: Oppressor Oak Road
White Memorial Presbyterian Church: actually deemed to be pretty accurate
Woman’s Club Drive: Birthing Persons’ Club Drive
William Peace University: revert back to Peace College (name just wasn’t catching on)
Wake County: Woke County
Oakwood: Berkeley South
Capital Boulevard: Commune Boulevard
Broughton High School: No. Every movement needs limits.