By RACHEL TINSHENN
THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHAPEL HILL, NC – In a stunning development, Pulitzer Prize winner Nikole Hannah-Jones rejected yet another round of incentives/restitution/atonement offered by the UNC Board of Trustees designed to
keep her mouth shut keep her employed at UNC-CH.
The latest round of perks included tenure, a triple-matched 401(k), unlimited use of the university Cut ‘n’ Color hair salon, and the presidency of UNC-Chapel Hill.
Hannah-Jones, who won a Pulitzer for The 1619 Project, said in a press release, “As a woman of color, I refuse to lead an organization so entrenched in systemic racism. A Black woman should have led this place a long time ago.”
Hannah-Jones, a Pulitzer winner, said it was equally offensive that a system so rooted in oppression, racism, and hatred would actually elect Black student Lamar Richards as student body president just to show how un-racist it is, which proves the systemic oppression in place at the university.
Hannah-Jones, who sometimes goes by the moniker “Nikole Hannah-Pulitzer-Jones,” due to the fact that she won a Pulitzer, also rejected an offer to create a “Free Expression Well” in which students are allowed to spray paint SJW expressions on The Old Well and throw un-woke students down it to see if they float.
UPDATE: Hannah-Jones rejects offer of installation of glass case for displaying Pulitzers won by certain J School faculty
UPDATE: Hannah-Jones rejects naming rights to The Dean Dome and Kenan Memorial Stadium
UPDATE: Hannah-Jones accepts tenured position as Professor of Creative Writing at Howard University where she’ll be teaching and researching other comparable works such as James and the Giant Peach, The Witches, and A Wrinkle in Time