BY NORM D. GUERRE
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The first family and the second Irish–American president kicked off their St. Patrick’s Day celebration in the White House on Tuesday morning.
“Ha-ware-ya?” a beaming and ruddy President asked his White House staff. “And a good morrow it ‘tis,” he said, sprinkling a bowl of Lucky Charms into three green Fiestaware bowls for Malia, Sasha, and Michelle O’Bama.
In an earlier interview with Ungrammared, the President explained the importance of celebrating his Irish ancestry, knocking back a few pints and wistfully remembering the old land. “Today, we celebrate St. Patrick’s ridding the Emerald Isle of all its snakes,” the President explained. “However,” he said with a dignified pause, “we know there have been no snakes in Ireland during the post-glacial period. That’s probably due to carbon emissions and greenhouse gases.”
Inside sources confirmed that the President would celebrate later in the evening with a meal of corn beef brisket, potatoes, cabbage, and carrots. “It’ll be a hearty dinner for sure,” the president stated. “I’ll be quite peckish after I spend all morning dying the Potomac green.”
As President O’Bama finished explaining the First Family’s evening meal, Sasha and Malia scampered past to their bowls of Lucky Charms. “NO GREEN!!” the president cried, giving Malia a little pinch.
“And after we dye the Potomac green, have a traditional Irish meal, and put the girls to bed, Vice President Joe will be DJ’ing for the adults traditional Irish music. Erin go bragh!” the president said, smiling.
At 9AM, Vice President Joe Biden was seen thumbing through his iPod beside a keg. “Uncle Joe’ll have this House the best Dropkick Murphys play list ever,” he stated, swilling his pint of Guinness.
“F**ck the White House, today it’s a Green House!” Vice President Biden continued by lip-synching several Dropkick Murphys lyrics, “…drink and drink and drink and FIGHT! And if I see a pretty girl I’ll sleep with her tonight!!”