By CRAIG MILLAR OCT. 1, 2014
RALEIGH, NC — In an unprecedented move for any US city, Mayor Nancy McFarlane has signed a bill that officially divests Raleigh of “all property, real and otherwise, north of the Angus Barn.”
The city struck a deal with the state of North Carolina in a rare behind-the-scenes bargain in which the city gains the Dorthea Dix campus, part of Raleigh proper next to Western Boulevard, which the state obtained through a landgrab in the last century.
“This swap ensures that Raleigh gets back a breathtaking vista that was formerly infested with state employees and gives away a piece of land that has no view and tons of undocumented Yankees,” said McFarlane at a press conference at the Angus Barn, which had a checkpoint installed just north of it immediately after the deal was brokered. “I feel safe in saying that, now that the ink’s dry,” said the mayor.
Officially, Brier Creek and the surrounding slagheap are a part of North Carolina, but with the federal money sure to come in now that the area has been earmarked through state legislation as a server farm for the NSA, a labor camp for overflowing Central Prison, and the location of the long-awaited Superfund site, it’s North Carolinian in name only.
“Was it ever part of North Carolina, once ‘the Crick’ was built?” mused at-large City Councilor Mary-Ann Baldwin. “I mean, it definitely wasn’t Raleigh. And even calling it part of North Carolina would be a stretch.”
“It’s like the United Nations – you’re on foreign soil here,” said NSA Director Michael Rogers, who appeared briefly for the server farm ribbon-cutting. He was whisked away in an Apache as four layers of razorwire were quickly installed around most of Brier Creek. Residents were instructed to “evacuate, or shelter in place” until the construction was finished. At that point, residents will be offered day passes into Raleigh or Durham to secure necessary provisions, after which they will have the choice to work at one of the three sites, or apply for a green card in order to work in Raleigh (Durham was not offered as an employment location option due to assumed lack of interest).
The Superfund site, which may take a decade or more to build, is seen as a positive by many in Raleigh. “Normally I’m against huge wasteheaps of atrociousness,” said Greg Hatem, speaking from his Tower of Doom downtown. “And this is no exception. I’m against Brier Creek.”
The Landfill Swap, as it’s being called, is not hailed as a boon for the city by everyone. “These are people too. Technically. Even though they resemble brain-dead human flesh-eaters after spending a quarter of their day in their minivans,” said City Councilor Bonner Gaylord. “Plus, they’re my constituents.” Councilors Wayne Maiorano and John Odom, who will also lose parts of their constituencies, agreed. “Sure, it’s a sludgepile eyesore,” said Odom at a recent City Council meeting. “But it’s our sludgepile eyesore.”