BY NORM D. GUERRE OCT. 13, 2014
NEW YORK – In a bold move that surprised investors and homeland security officials alike, terrorist organization and Middle East entrepreneurs Al-Qaeda made an initial public offering at the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) Monday morning.
CEO and Chief of Terrorizing Operations Ayman al-Zawahiri, speaking to reporters earlier this morning at Al-Qaeda LLC’s headquarters from an unknown location in the Middle East, stated that the initial offering would be worth USD $200 billion, rivaling the recent IPO from Chinese megacorporation Alibaba. The shares would be worth USD $14 per.
“Alibaba is great, if you want 500 lawn chairs,” said al-Zawahari. “But if you want an oil and extortion group that isn’t afraid to get its hands dirty, and,” he said, glaring at an ISIS flag hanging over the street outside, “has some restraint, then we’re your guys. We’re all about people.”
Al Queda’s business acumen and financial statements have been impressive since its inception. “The results speak for themselves,” stated al-Zawahiri. “From our oil and gas operations in Iraq to extortions, kidnappings, and ransoms throughout the rest of the general region; our employees and associates are making quite the splash and raking it in!” He added, “I know our future investors will be pleased with the quality of company they’re investing in.”
Al-Qaeda has broken all stereotypes regarding the traditional management of a terrorist organization. Although it is easy to imagine them as a relative group of unsophisticates who have, for over the past decade, bludgeoned their way across Iraq imposing their will on everyone, this simply is not the whole picture. Al-Qaeda keeps detailed spreadsheets their employees, the families, and their compensation.
“We largely based our business on the American business model,” countered al-Zawahiri. “By recruiting employees who were highly motivated by ideology instead of money, we were able to pay them less than half of what the average Iraqi makes. We are then able to pass along these savings to our terror cells, which are in need of a little cash infusion ever since these jihadis-come-lately arrived on the scene.” Al-Zawahiri continued, “The more you give, the more you get in return. That was Dave Thomas who said that.”
The move is seen with suspicion by some, however. “They’re drowning in debt and the competition is killing them,” said a black-hooded guy in the middle of a desert. “This is nothing more than a last-ditch effort by a creaky old man to stave off corporate death. Besides, their assets are frozen.” He added, “ISIS rules. Literally.”
Al-Zawahiri rebutted smugly, “Once a cell gets the funding it needs, we really start to see results, which,” he emphasized, “brings in more funding from donors and opens more doors. You gotta spend a little to make a little, you know?”
The IPO gives Al-Qaeda the capital to launch a series of mergers or acquisitions, Jeff Knudsen, an IQ analyst at Standard & Poor Capital, reported. “They could go after anyone who could expand their reach,” he stated. “They could go for an acquisition of ISIS, the IRA, or even British Petroleum.” When reached for comment, both Carl-Henric Svanberg of BP and Abu al-Baghdadi of ISIS refused to speculate on the possibility of a merger or acquisition.
Reportedly, Al-Qaeda considered making its IPO on several other stock exchanges. “Well, yeah,” Ayman al-Zawahiri replied when queried on his choice. “The NYSE was simply the smart choice. The TSX Venture exchange, the NASDAQ, the London Stock Exchange, and the Singapore Exchange were all considered. But at the end of the day the New York Stock Exchange just made the most sense. Honestly, you can’t beat the location,” he said, absentmindedly rubbing his hands together.
At press time, al-Zawahiri was triumphantly lighting a cigar with a copy of the US-Iraqi S.O.F.A. in celebration inside his bombproof bunker, three stories below ground.