By CRAIG MILLAR SEP. 18, 2014
RALEIGH, NC — The First Family will be calling a different white house their home in less than two and a half years. In an announcement from the Rose Garden, President Barack Obama stunned the nation by saying that instead of moving to Hawaii as was expected, he and his wife would be calling liberal enclave Cameron Park their place of residence for the foreseeable future.
“Michelle and I thought long and hard on this one,” said POTUS. “We went down to Cackalacky, what, three, four times in the last year looking for the right place, right, sweetie?” he said, glancing at the First Lady who was sitting behind him in a pale blue print dress. Michelle glared at him.
The President was effusive in his praise for the historic neighborhood. “From the mansions along Green Park to the s**tholes Jerry Hailey owns, Cameron Park is just the right blend of new, creative-class quirk and the old, established South,” said Obama. “The grocery store, which I’ve learned to call the Taj MaTeeter, is walkable, and I can get out to Lonnie Poole in minutes, where, believe me, I’ll be spending a lot of time,” he said, dropping his voice and glancing at his wife.
The Obamas weren’t sold on Cameron Park right away. Obama quipped, “Chapel Hill was a possibility, but John [Edwards] lives there, and – well, I don’t need that kind of influence, you know?” The POTUS and FLOTUS spent several long weekends in North Carolina, winding their way from Murphy to Manteo and judging such conditions as the local economy, golf courses, political climate, average waits for tee time, weather, clubhouse dues, employment, caddy availability, crime and greens conditions.
Ultimately the couple focused their decision to among several spots in Raleigh. “We considered Asheville, but really, it’s just too conservative,” said Obama. “We narrowed the choice down to three fairly distinct neighborhoods,” said the President. Flinging up three extra-long digits, he rattled off, “Cameron Park. Boylan Heights. Oakwood. They’ve all got that great Raleighwood flayvah, but at the end of the day, Oakwood and Boylan Heights…” The President trailed off, fumbling for words. “They’re a little rough around the edges. Literally.”
The draw to Cameron Park was partly esthetic, said Obama. “The trees are amazing,” he said wistfully. “I mean, they have freakin’ hawks at the tops of them. They’re crazy tall. And the houses, even the kanga hat that’s going up on Hawthorne, are magnificent.” A reporter from The Wall Street Journal was skeptical. He asked if politics didn’t play at least a small part in the decision.
“Well, sure,” shrugged the President. “I could keep my lawn unmowed. I can throw nasty, crazy, raging keggers and have people parked in my yard. I could have a reggae band until 3am. I can do whatever I want. No one in that neighborhood is gonna call me out on anything.”