By WYATT LANGMORE
BEIJING – President Joe Biden met with Chinese President Xi Jinpeng last week to discuss reparations for the Wuhan coronavirus lab leak, now estimated to have killed over half a million Americans.
Biden emerged from the reparation talks seemingly energized and upbeat. “It’s a really great day for America. President Zen Bong [sic] and I had a – a – whatsitcalled – proluctive, emmolicious talk. Every American is getting a free iPhone,” said Biden, while fumbling for his mask.
The initial gambit of the Chinese government is to give every adult American an iPhone 12Max ProDeluxeSupreme, the latest offering from iPhone maker Apple. The words “So very very sorry for lab leak” will be imprinted on the backs of the phones, according to President Biden. The Chinese government confirmed that WWE fighter, actor and Honorary CCP Minister of Apologies John Cena contributed to the effort.
“Let me be clear: China is sorry. Really, really sorry. President Feng Shui [sic] wanted the message to read ‘Sorry for Fauci-funded lab leak,’ and I said, no way. No way. In Scranton, I would’ve beaten him up for suggesting that,” said Biden. “Dammit, why do they have to make these earloops so small?”
The US government’s czar for coronavirus reparations, John Kerry, is reportedly planning to counter the Chinese plan with one that gives not only every American a phone but also one to every successful crosser of the Rio Grande. Vice President Kamala Harris will supposedly be tapped to implement the latter part of the plan when she has time.
By the end of the press conference, Biden’s mask was covering the bridge of his nose.