By MITCH KESSLER
Woke Neighborhood Near NCSU, Raleigh – Residents of the neighborhood currently known as Cameron Park became incensed at the renaming of historic Cameron Village to Village District (“VD”) last week to avoid association with a long-forgotten – until now – plantation owner’s family name.
“How could we have let them – A CORPORATION!!!!!!! – beat us to removing systemic oppressive whiteness from the area?” short-time resident Aimee Falstrami sent to the neighborhood listserv. Falstrami went on, “WE, as A COMMUNITY, have let a [sic] entirely too wealthy white real estate corporation one-up us on the virtue score.”
Falstrami then suggested renaming the trendy neighborhood after several Founding Fathers, early Carolinian settlers, 19th century environmentalists, and 20th century civil rights activists. However, long-time resident Blair Barton was swift to mention that nearly all those suggestions were equally offensive as all had committed treason, perjury, ageism, or had at one time or another in their lives written or uttered something insensitive to 21st century ears or had possible links to Donald Trump’s ancestors.
Not everyone was thrilled with the rebrand fever sweeping the area. “I didn’t survive ‘Nam to live with all this renaming, “VD” nonsense all around me,” said token neighborhood conservative and US Air Force veteran Thom Morrison. “This idea is terrible. Once you get VD here, it spreads.”
Some neighborhood rebranding suggestions currently being floated include Virtue Hills, WokePark, Nimby Village, Equity Estates, and Comrade Commons.
As of press time, local activists from the soon-to-be renamed Cameron Park were collecting diversity data. They realized the neighborhood was lacking any left-handed Inuit and that very few people of color could actually afford a home in their neighborhood. “I think it’s great,” said Jerome Wiggins, a Black resident of nearby Oberlin Village. “Racism is over now. With this rebranding, I get treated like everyone else at Charlotte’s.”