Who’s Been Putting U-Locks on Bird Scooters in Raleigh?

By HENRY DEAVER

RALEIGH – Who’s been putting U-locks on Bird Scooters in Raleigh?

What hero mysterious person has been locking these demonbikes up (usually found in pairs and easily chained together), to allow cars – which belong on the roads – to prevent stoned State students on Bird electric scooters – which do not – from becoming hood ornaments?

Well, no one, actually. However, Ungrammared’s Raleigh Futures Command™ has been looking into what the city would look like if an ordinary citizen would spend a few measly bucks or just used his kid’s bike lock(s) to corral these menaces.

Turns out the future looks pretty good – free from these dingbats swerving in and out of Daniels Middle School traffic, blissfully vacant of herds of doofi ringing those little tricycle bells on North Hills Mall sidewalks, void of future corpses with earbuds looking at their iPhone 5’s while steering these deathtraps through DTR.

Raleigh without Bird scooters. Rendering by Ungrammared’s Raleigh Futures Command.

Mayor McFarlane may or may not have offered the Key to the City for any soul brave enough to lock these things up (equipment available here), and an Order of the Long Leaf Pine might be up for grabs from Ol’ Roy. Just sayin’.

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