Ungrammared Outdoors™ Presents: How to attract the most popular birds to your birdfeeder

 

RALEIGH – A birdfeeder is one of the most common sights in a garden, and a great way to get birds to hang out in your yard. Everyone likes birds in their patch of earth, but how exactly do you get the right birds – the most popular birds – to stick around? Glad you asked! Here is a list of ways to attract the most popular birds to your birdfeeder:

Visibility so birds will notice the new feeder and see the available seed. You like birds to be seen at your house, and it goes both ways! If a bird has found a cool place to hang out and eat, that bird will want to be seen at your yard. It’s like,

“Hey, Fred the house sparrow, what are you doing this weekend?”

“‘Sup, Arnold the sage thrasher, I’ll be at the Morgans’ like I was last weekend.”

“No kidding. Did I see you there Friday?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool place.”

Good food. This may seem obvious, but many people overlook this aspect. They think putting just any old birdseed in the feeder will do, but if you’re serious about attracting the most popular birds and not birds that will glom onto you, Facebook-friend you, try to sell you insurance and text you repeatedly like you’re suddenly bff’s, you need to put the good stuff out there. Hand-packed suet and artisanal birdseed crafted by Amish women can be found online for around $79.99 per five-pound bag. Get a second job if you’re going to whine about the price.

Drinks. Birdbaths are so early aughts. Early nineteen-aughts. C’mon, now! Birds need libations just like the rest of us, especially the popular birds. Fill the birdbath with vodka, not the spring-fed filtered mineral water we all used to use. The birds will show their appreciation by amusingly (and repeatedly) smacking into your living room window.

Drugs. This is probably the most overlooked aspect of attracting popular birds. Birds love drugs. Everyone knows this. But people always forget to leave drugs out for the popular birds, and therefore are inundated with band birds or chess club birds in their yard. What type of drugs, you ask? It depends on the bird. A red-eyed vireo will fly anywhere there are large amounts of pot or shrooms to be found. Leave them in bricks and bags around the birdfeeder. Tyrant flycatchers are into speed, meth, crank, flakka, cocaine – any stimulant, as their name suggests. Likewise for woodpeckers. Speaking of…

Music. Don’t forget to crank the tunes! Woodpeckers, especially,  like head-banging songs (obvs), so a 100-watt, 90-dB set of speakers with a good subwoofer near the birdfeeder should do the trick. To attract night owls, leave the music on until around 3am, when most good popular birds know to leave.

Do invite cave swallows and swift swallows. Swallows are always popular birds, especially among jock birds.

Don’t invite that skank Allison the Cape May warbler. What a bitch.

 

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