USDOL Projection: 100% Male Unemployment By 2019

By JAKE PERALTA

WASHINGTON – The Bureau of Labor Statistics issued a grim warning yesterday as Matt Lauer, Garrison Keillor, half of Congress, every male at BuzzFeed, most Hollywood producers and 99% of all NFL players were accused of sexual harassment, sexual molestation, sexual impropriety, sexual overtures, sexual advances (unwanted), sexual advances (wanted), sexual contact, and simply “waving it around”: there will be 100% male unemployment across the US within the next 18 months, curtailing hopes for a permanent recovery from the Great Recession.

“This is bad, very bad,” the president tweeted from Trump National Golf Club, Bedminster on Wednesday. “Unfortunate that @RepJohnConyers couldn’t keep it in his pants. #MAGA”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed the plan to create a new bureau to handle the crisis, this one at DHHS. “The Bureau for Assessing Licentiousness Litigation of Sexual Assault Complaints will handle this looming crisis from here on,” Sanders said between handfuls of Xanax. When asked, she confirmed that President Trump chose the new agency’s name based on its hilarious acronym.

Sighing, she also confirmed that Trump is indeed planning on calling the bureau’s new director “BALLSAC One.”

Press Secretary Sanders confirmed the existence of a new bureau, DHHS BALLSAC.

“Dems & Pelosi will pay a BIG PRICE for #MeToo sex scandal,” tweeted the president Thursday from Trump National Doral Golf Course in Miami. “Too bad @SenFranken grabbed (.)(.)   #MAGA”

Ironically, President Trump may be the one American male still holding a job in 2019.

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