In Shocking Election, White Incumbent Defeats African-American Challenger

BY RUSTIN COHLE

RALEIGH – In what has been described as the upset of the century, Mayor Nancy McFarlane defeated local black attorney Charles Francis in Tuesday’s mayoral runoff election.

“I thought this day would never come,” said local hedge fund manager Martin Brenner. “Free at last, free at last…” he sang from his seat at breakfast in the Cardinal Club.

Doing what no one thought possible, Mayor McFarlane managed to rally the forces of the overrepresented and build a coalition of urbanites, suburbanites, the overeducated and the overclass to squeak by a 16% victory, 58 to 42 percent.

Speaking out of the window of a 2015 Chevy Tahoe, Virginia-Ann Craven had nothing but praise for the mayor-elect.  “My kids finally have someone to look up to, to admire, you know? If the mayor doesn’t look like them, how will they know they could one day be mayor of Raleigh? Or do anything with their life?….QUIT KICKING THE SEAT, TANNER!” Ms. Craven yelled at her eight-year-old. “Good thing I wore my Mountain Hardware coat today, huh? Pumpkin spice latte is a b*tch to get out.”

“My people, your time is here,” tweeted European-American church leader Burke Forsyth Haywood IV, a pastor at Church of Christ downtown. “We can now step out of the shadows and truly say: my people have #representation.”

From the corner outside of J. McLauglin, Mary-Windsor Avery addressed a crowd of blonde soccer moms, “We broke down that barrier. We tore down that wall. Upper middle-class voices will not be silenced. We will be heard. We shall never…”

As of press time, this reporter had to leave while the woman was still talking.

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