PROTEST UPDATE: Houses Go Dirty; Suppers Unserved in Oakwood, PRCP, Mordecai

 

By T.J. ECKLEBURG

RALEIGH – Thousands of angry, oddly shaped, usually bespectacled women took to the streets of Raleigh over the last few days to protest the peaceful transition of power by way of a democratic election in America.

Louise Booker, a professional Etsy crafter, took a day off from work to stand on the steps of the Federal Building with a megaphone, attracting a knot of dreadlocked pot-bangers who created an annoying impediment to Gringo a GoGo. “We will not be silenced. Our voices will be heard,” she yelled through the megaphone, as if anyone could help it.

Perhaps the most jarring effect of the protests, according to NCSU gender studies sociologist Sinikka Elliott, is the absence of Whole Foods meals and decently tidied living rooms in Oakwood, the People’s Republic of Cameron Park (PRCP), and surrounding environs. “You’re going to see lots of anger over the next four years,” she said, “and not just from womxn. Their bearded life-partners are going to vote with them if they have to start doing their own laundry.”

Angry womxn block the way to Capital Club 16.

Indeed, the protest wound down as angry husbands texted their wives to get the hell home before they (the husbands) killed the kids. One woman was seen abandoning her “Hands off my vagina,” poster, but she admitted it had been a long time since someone had offered.

RPD Det. R. Bowen was amused by the downtown spectacle after giving emergency care to a woman burned by her exploding Samsung Galaxy while tweeting “#KillCapitalism.” “These gals haven’t seen the inside of a Barre3 studio for a while, have they?” he said. “We’ve given more rides to Rex for dehydration and fainting than I can count. Hell, go to Curves or something. Just stay out of the Flying Biscuit.”

The event quieted late Monday night, but the die-hard protesters stayed to the bitter end. “We need a president who respects women,” shrieked Booker to the dispersing crowd. “God, I miss Bill Clinton!”

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