By EMILE KLINGER 10 JANUARY 2017
ANCIENT MACEDONIA – After descending to Earth to scold mortals for their choices in political leaders, Meryl Streep returned Wednesday to her beloved celestial home, Mount Olympus, where she plans to monitor people, particularly Americans, for signs displeasing to her or the other gods.
Streepia entered the Throne Room of Zeus to thunderous applause from gods, goddesses and demi-gods, who made speeches thanking her for instructing Earth’s mortals.
“Oh my gods, Streepia was missed so so much,” said Hestia, goddess of the hearth, referring to Streep’s Olympian name. “The fire on Mount Olympus is a two-diety job, and her warm smugness really helps with the temperature fluctuations we get up on high.”
Zeus, ruler of the Olympian gods, was likewise pleased. “Streepia and [her half-brother and demi-god] Cloonius have done a magnificent job on Earth,” he said while throwing lightning bolts at Trump Tower.
The ancient myth tells of Streepia coming down to Earth in the guise of an actress, calling herself “Meryl.” On Earth, Meryl would pontificate to mere mortals – then unschooled and brutish – on how to behave and what to think. She would then explain why everything half of them thought was ungodly and stupid. Some mortals, though, the legend has it, were confused that Streepia said it was permissible to applaud a child rapist.
“It’s really good to have Streepia back,” said Athena, goddess of wisdom, reason, and intelligent activity. “We need some balance around here.”