Alternate-Universe Wal-Mart, NASCAR To Drop Betsy Ross Flag

Betsy Ross sewed the original flag of treason for rebel George Washington.



THE 50 COLONIES – Long a controversial symbol of home rule, sovereignty, and rugged individualism to some but a symbol of treason, tax evasion, and free riding to others; any association with the Betsy Ross flag has now been dropped by colonial super store Wal-Mart and NASCAR.

Sons of Loyalists chapter president Franklin Tauntley III stated in an interview with Ungrammared, “That flag is the flag of treason and has no place in today’s NASCAR or on any products on the shelves of Wal-Mart. In fact, I’m tired of going to NASCAR races or the NC fair and seeing kids running around in their little tri-cornered hats. It’s hateful, it hurts. You lost, get over it.”

The Betsy Ross flag, originally sewn for rebel leader George Washington during the failed Colonial Rebellion of 1776, is also seen as a mark of heritage to others.

“It’s a flag, folks, and the rugged individualism expressed in it certainly makes it appropriate for NASCAR or any kind of decoration. Tri-cornered hats, small flags for parades, or Colonial Outfitters, they’re all just a part of our past,” stated Trent Whitley, president of the Grandsons of Regulators. “In fact, you wear your circle and I’ll wear mine.”

In many parts the colonies, the Betsy Ross flag is steeped in the culture of the people. However, in the 37 colonies that did not exist at the time of the rebellion, the Ross flag is not a symbol of a bygone era where gentleman doffed their wigs to the ladies and ladies still stayed home and churned their own butter. To many of the people of the non-original colonies, the Ross flag still bears a culture of hatred towards the British.

Colonial rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd, never known for their political correctness, have been known to flaunt the Ross flag at concerts as their fans rock like it’s 1799.


“It would be fine if they just expressed both parts of their history,” stated Mark Lesser of colonial Nebraska. “But they need to tell both sides of the story,” he continued, “Where are the Union Jacks? Where are the West India Trading Company flags? The flag has no business as a memorial to a bunch of rebels whose past we really want to forget and regard with the shame it deserves.”

At press time, British soldiers were being quartered in Wal-Mart CEO Doug McMillon’s home for his own protection.

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