As told to Roger Thornhill, Government Correspondent for Ungrammared
As many of you know, I am an expert on a number of topics. These include, but are not limited to, national defense, immigration, blackjack, foreign policy, logistics, infrastructure, numerous weapons platforms, education, school systems, hand-to-hand combat, writing, and transportation.
It’s the last two topics, as a critically acclaimed, award-winning author and as North Carolina’s Secretary of Transportation, that has led to me being asked to contribute to this obscure blog I had never heard of. I’m a retired general, so open your ears. You have two of them and one mouth. Use them proportionally. If you follow these instructions you should be able to use my roads effectively and to the maximum devastation of your enemies.
Safety First- Buckle up, people. Make sure your tires are properly inflated and your vehicle equipment is in good working order. Orientate yourself and choose a route to your destination that uses primarily right turns. Check fluid levels. Hands at ten and two. Check mirrors frequently. Obey all traffic directions.
Now, you’re almost ready to begin driving on my roadways.
(Also, do you know what vehicle’s name is both synonymous with safety and luxury? Yes, of course, it’s Volvo! Pat and John asked me to throw that plug in.)
Slow Down in Work Zones- Folks, unless you’re late to one of my book signings, slow down in my work zones and observe the posted speed limits. My people are out there every day risking their asses to get a job done. The least you can do is have the common damn decency to slow down, pay attention, and let them work safely. Those orange cones, barrels, and signs are there for a reason, numbnuts.
Littering? Think Again- So you just polished off your Cajun Filet combo and washed it down with an extra-large sweet tea like a worthless fat sloth who didn’t make his rack this morning, and now you don’t want to mess up your freshly freaking detailed car interior?
Well, stop right there, because if you even dream of littering my highways and byways with your trash, I will personally come to your house and rip you a new one. Find a proper trash receptacle or wait until you get to that cesspool called South Carolina to dispose of your garbage.
Use the Proper Lane- Folks, this one really chaps my ass, but I’m sure the worst offenders out there are too damn stupid to even read this obscure blog anyway. It’s a pretty simple damn concept: if you’re getting passed on the right, you’re probably in the wrong lane, sugarpants.
And for all you jackasses that cruise in my left lane and think you’re auditioning for a Fast & Furious sequel, get the hell over. My left lane is for passing only. Return to my right lanes once you have completed passing the slower moving vehicle. We need to restore order and the Rule of Law to our highways.
Always Stop for School Buses- Nothing makes my blood boil more than you School Zone Taliban, passing school buses and putting our children at risk. I don’t give a rat’s ass what you’re late to. Let me speak plainly: you will not pass a stopped school bus on my roads and byways. If you do, I will personally come to your house and rip you a new one.
As soon as you see flashing yellow lights, your ass better start slowing down. When the stop arm begins to deploy, you’d better be at a complete stop. You can use that opportunity to check your mirrors and do some PMCS on your vehicle. The children are our future, people, and we have got to teach them well and take care around bus stops and school zones!
Trains– Get out of the way of trains, people! If I have to tell you that, you probably deserve to die. Just not in a way that drains time and resources away from my department. And to all you hippie-dippie, Libtard, enviro-freaks that keep emailing me about light rail and regional rail – just stop. Trains are for hauling the freight used by and produced by America’s job creators. Trains are not for some tree-hugging hippie who hasn’t washed in three days to bum rides off of hardworking taxpayers. Hey, that reminds me…how do the Charlotte Hornets and a female hippie differ? The Hornets shower after four periods!