By NORM D. GUERRE 5/27/2015
Raleigh, NC – North Carolina Senate President Phil Berger reportedly broke the fourth wall as many as seventeen times during a speech last Tuesday. Berger’s speech, on fiscal responsibility, took a total of 57 minutes and 14 seconds.
Deputy President Senator Louis Pate, long considered Berger’s greatest rival in the leadership, stated, “[Berger] turned to his left twice and went completely off subject. First, he was talking about our obligation to the citizens of our state, then he looks over to the side and gives this weird quote.”
“We have a saying in Eden,” Berger said in a soft yet confident southern drawl, “that gumint spending should be tighter than a bull’s ass at fly time,” he finished, using a glideless long vowel to enunciate the word “tighter.”
Senate President Berger was elected to the NC Senate in 2000 and became the Senate minority leader in 2004. In 2011, he became the Senate President Pro Tem.
Berger appeared to pay homage to his ascent to Senate President and his relationship to the Governor. “I’ve done my time. I backed the right man,” he continued, glancing to his right this time. “I latched onto McCrory early on and made myself vital. He’s a man who doesn’t measure his wealth in private jets, but in purchased souls.”
From there, Berger appeared to refocus his efforts on fiscal responsibility and government efficiency, two subjects very dear to both himself and his constituency. However, at 4 minutes and 32 seconds after his change, he again glanced to his left, addressing an imaginary audience in the wainscoting wrapping his left flank.
“Money is the McMansion in Prestonwood or Ballantyne. Power is your name on the North Carolina Museum of History or a bust on the Capitol grounds. Plus, those new money neighborhood houses in Cary and south Charlotte fall apart after ten years anyway.”
Deputy House Whip Dean Arp was sitting in the visitors’ gallery to Berger’s right. Arp became unnerved and mildly confused when Berger turned to his right and stated, in a Shakespearean aside, “I will not waver, I will not be intimidated, simply because some two-bit House Whip desires it.”
At press time, Berger was seen hurrying from the State Legislative Building with his escort towards Edenton Street United Methodist Church. Bishop Hope Ward was reportedly readying her umbrella and hiding any visible crucifixes in preparation for his visit.