BY NORM D. GUERRE
WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Wednesday afternoon, Barbara Brady, Director of the California based International Swimwear/Activewear Market (ISAM), applauded North Carolina junior Senator Thom Tillis for his national weight loss plan.
“We wholeheartedly approve of Thom Tillis’ plan for Americans to get down to that size six so you can slip into that new Jordan Taylor or Beach Diva,” Brady pronounced from the ISAM headquarters in Sherman Oaks, California.
Brady then went on to explain, “Whether a lady has worked hard all winter long for that gorgeous beach bod or has just contracted salmonella from eating at a restaurant which does not require its employees to wash their hands after using the restroom, she will love fitting into that new Bamboo Island one-piece.”
Added Brady, “After all, doesn’t the end justify the means in this case? When she’s feeling confident on that beach or by the pool, does it really matter whether she shed those winter pounds by proper diet and exercise or by explosive diarrhea and vomiting?”
Across the country in New York City, President and CEO of Weight Watchers James Chambers publicly condemned Tillis’s plan in a shareholder meeting.
“Ladies and gentleman, we are under attack,” Chambers barked. Chambers reportedly turned to his Government and Public Sector Liason, Phil Mackorell. “Where were you?” he asked a stunned Mackorell. “Have you at least checked out [Tillis’s] campaign contributions? Did we even contribute? How much is the ISAM pumping into his campaign??”
At press time both ISAM and Weight Watchers were forming Political Action Committees to funnel money into or against weight loss programs such as Tillis’s. Vivek H. Murthy, the US Surgeon General, has not yet approved either of these plans for women to fit into their new Bikini Lab two-piece.