BY NORM D. GUERRE JAN. 29, 2015
RALEIGH – Late Tuesday night, millennial couple Atticus and Caroline Grankowsky boarded up shop on their dream career as microbrewery owners in Raleigh’s trendy Five Points district.
“We just couldn’t pull in enough customers,” Atticus confessed. “Turns out, people really do care about the price of their booze.”
According to inside sources, the Grankowskys tried every trick in the book to differentiate their microbrew establishment from other similar establishments. “We tried having a weekly run,” added Caroline. “I mean, we didn’t do the run but we asked others to run around and near the Tavern. Well, we found out that the runners really just wanted to do a group run and really weren’t interested in the $6 [discounted] Tavern IPA’s.”
“We even had a bearded barman,” added Atticus, who sometimes affectionately referred to the bewhiskered employee as “barkeep” or “Swede.”
“I mean, who wouldn’t want to drink at ‘the Swede’s’ bar? If this crappy but up-and-coming neighborhood didn’t already do so then the Swede’s flannel shirt should have given this place ample character!”
At press time the Grankowskys were making a list of other dream jobs which include: a crossfit gym, a warehouse for Caroline to sell her Etsy crap out of, or possibly a crossfit gym with a backroom for Caroline to sell bespoke Etsy crap out of. “But mostly to crossfitters on Etsy,” the millennials confirmed.