Patrick Cannon Makes Statement on First Day In Prison

A guard keeps watch over Cannon and the work crew at the StupendousMax prison in West Virginia.

A guard keeps watch over Cannon and the work crew at the StupendousMax prison in West Virginia.

BY NORM D. GUERRE         NOV. 19, 2014

MORGANTOWN, WV – Patrick Cannon, the former mayor of Charlotte, checked into the minimum-security Federal Correction Institution Morgantown (FCIM) on Tuesday morning and immediately beat up the biggest inmate present.

Cannon, a Democrat and first-term mayor, was convicted of soliciting over $50,000 in bribes from undercover FBI agents posing as real estate agents. Cannon hoped to use the bribe money to begin his own feminine hygiene company,  HERS.

The altercation occurred after Cannon had processed in, been searched, changed into a jumpsuit of beautiful orange, met with his counselor, and gone to eat lunch.

“I knew I had to make a statement to the other inmates on my first day,” the former mayor stated. “So as soon as that b*tch reached past my plate for the salt and pepper shakers I knew I had to assert myself.”

The inmate on the business end of the beating, Frederick Herschwell III, is imprisoned in Morgantown for copyright infringement. “I’m not sure what I did to offend that gentleman,” Herschwell cried into a bloody hanky. “I know the old ‘whorehouse reach’ is rude, but my porterhouse really needed a little extra spice. Sometimes the chef skimps on the seasoning.”

Several inmates speculated that Cannon had sat next to Herschwell, a 6’5 inmate from Massachusetts, intentionally. Hershwell, one of the tallest inmates at the facility, played both basketball and water polo at Dartmouth.

Inside sources report that as Herschwell reached across Cannon’s plate for the condiments, Cannon slapped Herschwell’s hand. “What the f*ck, motherf*cker??!!” Cannon screamed at Herschwell. “You wanna go??” Herschwell reportedly apologized for his rudeness to the new arrival but Cannon had already sensed weakness.

Cannon threw his cup of cucumber-flavored water in Herschwell’s face first. “I thought I could blind him and have the advantage,” the former Mayor reasoned. With Herschwell’s eyes momentarily stinging, Cannon picked up his lunch tray and slammed it into Herschwell’s face. He then hit him over the top of the head several times before grabbing Herschwell by the front of his jumpsuit and pummeling his face.

Reportedly, the beating caused such a loud commotion it drowned out even the dulcet sounds of Vivaldi playing on the café speakers.

According to sources in the pokey for mail fraud, most of the other inmates looked on in horror as Cannon finished administering his thrashing. “I didn’t want to get involved,” admitted inmate Shane Ferrerari. “It’s embarrassing enough getting caught embezzling, but to get beat up by the former mayor of the second-largest banking city on the East Coast? No thanks.”

“You know, you either have to beat up the biggest guy there the first day or be someone’s b*tch, you know, their ‘prison wife’. Well, Psycho P is no one’s b*tch!” Cannon told UNGRMD in a phone interview later that day.

At press time, the inmate in the cell next to Cannon was wishing “he [Cannon] would stop banging that tin cup back and forth across the cell bars and chanting ‘fresh fish, fresh fish.’ I mean, where did he even get that cup? We use Styrofoam in the café and this is completely interrupting my yoga.”

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