By CRAIG MILLAR OCT. 7, 2014
RALEIGH, NC — In a completely predictable turn of events, the talking lion who shills for discount grocery chain Food Lion in places normally reserved for humans has wreaked complete devastation on a suburban family and a nearby T-ball team at the Salvation Army on Old Wake Forest Road.
“Who the f**k thought it was a good idea to let a lion into a kids’ game to begin with?” asked frustrated mom of three (now two) Beverly Gondora. “We have enough problems with the homeless guys and the pervs with cameras. A lion was just a stupid idea from the get-go.”
Meanwhile, the Phillips family on Exeter Circle is no more. After coming home with his wife and daughter only to find a lion in his den giving him advice on his shopping habits, Frank Phillips called 911, which apparently was a mistake. The house is listed at $575,000 as is.
At last sighting, the Food Lion mascot was spotted heading toward Carter-Finley, presumably for a dessert of fat-laden Farmhouse guys.