By CRAIG MILLAR OCT. 28, 2014
CHAPEL HILL, NC — At a joint press conference between officials from University Hospital in Newark and UNC-CH Medical School, officials announced that the nurse in New Jersey who was suspected of possibly maybe carrying Ebola has been released back into the wild.
Kaci Hickox went to Sierra Leone with a humanitarian group now rebranded as “Doctors Without Borders (or Hopefully Ebola)” and returned to the States to great fanfare, but was ultimately baited into a tent with some cupcakes and a diamond necklace from Zales.
Hickox was then inhumanely quarantined against her will in the tent outside University Hospital in Newark, according to one of her attorneys, Steve Hyman. “She doesn’t belong in a tent. She belongs out there with the other wild nurses of New Jersey or Maine,” said Hyman. “There was no human contact, no streaming The Bachelorette, no fifty-cent wings. It’s not right.”
“She was scared, she was cold and lonely. She needed more than an iPhone. That’s no way to treat a wild nurse,” said human rights activist and PETA director Ingrid E. Newkirk. “They belong in places like, for instance, Inman Park, driving Sonatas and Scions and going to ladies’ night at Bahama Breeze. It’s just inhumane to keep her away from her natural habitat and the attentions of surgeons who are a little weary of their wives and need to remember what it was like to be young.”
When released from her tent, Hickox darted around the parking lot, seemingly refamiliarizing herself with her former world and finally scampering into the woods beyond. “Fortunately,” said New Jersey Fish and Wildlife Director David Chanda, “we tagged her with a tracking device that will allow us to study her natural patterns. Also maybe to find out who she gives Ebola to.”