Biden Snags Cheap Cigs on Trip to North Carolina

cig guy

Vice President Biden makes his choice with the help of C-Blok.

By NORM D. GUERRE          SEP. 4, 2014

WINSTON-SALEM, NC – Sources confirmed today that while on an official trip Vice President Joe Biden was able to snag two suitcases full of cheap North Carolina cigarettes for his return trip to D.C.

“Do you know how much I can sell these for in D.C.?” the Vice President asked. “Or for that matter, in Scranton?” he added, crossing his arms and leaning on the muddy, cream colored Suburban he rented for his trip. “Taxes on cigarettes up North are stupid expensive,” he finished.

A pack of cigarettes in North Carolina costs on average $6.03 and can be bought for as little as $5.55 in South Carolina. However, in Washington, D.C. they can sell for as much as $7.89, a difference of $1.86 or $2.34 respectively. In Pennsylvania, the Vice President’s home state, a pack can cost as much as $6.95, which equals a difference of $0.92 or $1.40. Stated the Vice President, “Obviously I can make a little more in D.C., but I feel a lot more comfortable taking the goods up to my home turf. So why take the risk?”

Inside sources report that the Vice President “has a guy” in Scranton and “knows this other guy” in D.C. “My boy Dennis in Scranton is a hustler, and Fly in D.C. isn’t too bad either. I can unload this trip off on the two of them for a quick dollar and we’ll be able to make some pretty decent scratch,” he stated as he spat a quick loogie on the ground. “Most of the time we sell entire cartons to the little convenience stores or Laundromats, but Dennis usually keeps a handful of packs to sell loosies for 75 cents to maybe a dollar, depending on the neighborhood.”

Biden speaks with his Northern Virginia "guy," a man known as Shizz.

Biden speaks with his Northern Virginia “guy,” a man known as Shizz.

The Vice President plans to then drive the Suburban north on I-95. “I hope I don’t get pulled again,” he grimaced. “The troopers in VA are a real bitch. We were going through this DUI checkpoint just south of Richmond and it came close to getting a little sketch when Chris’s voice cracked talking to the cop…my boy Snoops was making a haul just last month and as he was going through Virginia was going only like, five over and got pulled.” He continued, “F**kin’ cops.”

According to Biden, if he drives only two miles over the speed limit, keeps the window down, and buys a few air fresheners at the Kangaroo outside of Durham, he’ll be able to avoid detection. Biden boasted, “I even rented a ‘burban with cruise control for that very reason, and plus it’s a lot less conspicuous than the Vice Presidential motorcade.

“There’s these other guys that make runs up to Philly from Richmond. Well, last year they were haulin’ ass up the road, going at least ten over and driving a new red sports car. Well, you know the saying: ‘nine you’re fine, ten you’re mine.’ F**kin’ bush league, I tell ya.”

At press time sources confirmed Biden was using the profits of his entrepreneurial venture for extra beer money.


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